Introvert talk

INTROVERT TALK –

Immediately after being born, surrounded by loved ones.

The loop widening more and more.

New faces, new voices.

Cousins, aunts, uncles, neighbours, grandmother,

 

All of them loved me, like my own mother.

First steps, first words.

New places, new faces, new voices.

 

Teachers. Pedestrians walking. Schoolmates.

Always surrounded with something.
Always surrounded by something.

 

At home, drawn to the noise of human beings.
At school, drawn by the noise of human beings.

 

I grew fast, like fans of Mercedes Benz.

With the years, more numbers had the tendency to grow.
The number of friends.

 

Sport gave me reason and happiness to live. Sport gave me new brothers.
Sport showed me, what it’s like to be genuine.

After my end of secondary school exams, everything deep disappeared.
What came instead?
Fear. The desire to own gear.

The family grew small. Friends walked a path.
A different way than me. Their own path.
Some of them left the village. To create a new home.
Some of them left. To find true love in a big town.
Some of them stayed here. In a place, where everybody knows his face.

 

The loop grew smaller. The noise grew weaker.
The beauty, depth between us. Burnt. So fast.
Like dry grass soaked in gasoline.
I stayed alone at home.
No work.
Feelings of loneliness.
Feelings of being lost.
Why?
I’m not a ghost.

 

My first job.
Great expectations.
The desire for a deeper connection.

Instead of a deeper connection, instead of a genuine friendship between
human beings, only sadness caused by disconnection.
Their hearts beat for the number on their pay-check.

I stood there between them, long years, alone, with emptiness in my heart.
With eyes filled with tears. No emotions.
Only a blind race to get promoted.

Free time, I should have been fine.
Life is not just about working.
Life is not just about money.
It’s more about enjoying the moments, like a king.
Messages. Telephone calls.
Wanting to go out.
Spending time together, like we used to.
Enjoying the moments.

I wanted it so bad.
I needed it so bad.
I’m lying alone on a dead couch.

 

Friends – my brothers, my sisters.
We grew up together.
We cried together.
We laughed together.
We fought together.
We were one big family.

Now, everything is gone.
Husbands. Wives. Fathers. Engaged couples.
You found yourself a new family.
You forgot your old family.

The loop grew smaller.
The noise of human beings grew silent.
The bond built for years broke.

I’m afraid that there is no more space for a new face.

Closed in a shadow between four cold walls.
Closed door.

I don’t believe strangers.
I don’t reply to calls from strangers.