awoken by an unnatural sound of a plastic machine, from a calm sleep to a busy life.
As usually, breathing in unnatural stress, I cannot say: I’m trying to slow down, I’m trying
to have less.
A rainy Monday, sunny Sunday. It doesn’t matter what the day is, I walk the same path. In
the light accompanied by endless thoughts, in the shadow of night, hopelessly trying to sleep.
Just the eternal flow of words. Only rush and confusion.
More stress than feeling chill.
More anxiety than peace.
More sadness in my face than happiness.
More selfish blindness in my eyes than humble beauty.
My young body, hiding a young soul was fighting for life. Rather than feeling, breathing real life. I was searching for treasures I longed to gain instead of touching the treasures I already had.
A body standing in the mist of Monday’s light on the street, a mind running in the storm of a Saturday’s night. They were around me, they saw me. I didn’t. I didn’t feel them. I couldn’t.
I wasn’t there. In other words, I wasn’t anywhere. I abandoned everything I had.
Present moment. How? How did I abandon the present moment?
Why did my mind have the constant need to fly?
It took too long. I lost too much.
The genuine effort to slow down brought concerns, I’m losing something now.
The genuine effort to slow down, to do nothing, brought concerns of loosing something.
Dark, light events of distant yesterdays, deeply embedded in me, dark, light events of possible tomorrows, vaguely distinguishable in me. Only this. Only these two situations in my mind. Unsuccessfully enjoying the shine of sun rays, taking place at this moment, directly in front of my bed. Thousands of dark pieces in my mind, alerting themselves without the ability to Touch. Without the ability to touch and erase them, like the cold wind behind my window. Like a true warrior I fought, I endured. Luckily. If I gave up, I would throw away the oportunity to move forward.
The world around me became smaller, the tension inside me decreased.
As time progressed, my heart began beating slower.
My lungs began to breathe slower.
Smells I hadn’t known before flowed inside me. No more running in the possible tomorrow.
Only walking in the present moment. The sun rays stroking me with their warm energy.
A gentle breeze assisting me in the right way. Singing birds reminding me of what is natural. Laughing children showing me what is real. A happy face in the mirror, giving me the feeling, the most important thing is the now and Here.
The years were progressing fast, and I kept running somewhere, searching for something.
The years passed and I was doing something to prove something, to make an impression with something.
I had to stop, to see the beauty around me, the light within me, to realize all those years I was running from something that was terrifying me. From the silence, from the loneliness, from the peace, from my true self, from the spectacular miracles taking place in the now, here at this moment.
Without hesitation, thank you meditation.
PS: I haven’t given up on the future. I have given up on assumptions. I have given up on chasing desires: one day. I have returned to the present day, the day of today, where I have enough time to live life, where I have enough power to do something for a better life in the future. Today is my day.