Self-sabotage, or sabotage by others


don’t know. I don’t know if the source is inside of me, or if the source is out there around me. Anger. Fighting. Disappointment. Tears. A hurricane of emotions lashing my self. Me, unhinged, working hard. I sacrificed almost everything for something. I try to do everything at 110%. In the morning. Evening. Sunday. During Christmas. During sickness. I give my all. I sleep like a sponge. Physically or mentally exhausted. Not a drop of energy, joy to spare. Nothing. Totally empty. I surrendered to my goals, to my surroundings.

And them? Those around me? The lazy ones. The slackers. Ignoramuses. The complete opposite of me. Absolutely zero willingness, desire, interest to do something extra. If they need something from me, they have it in a wink. I leave the whole world alone and devote all my energy, time to them. They? Why isn’t it the other way around? Why do I have to wait for them? Ask them? Remind them? Why don’t they at least give that extra bit of soul, energy, to someone who is willing to skin their knees for them. I don’t know. Frustration. Strong frustration. The desire to be alone. Not to cooperate with anybody. Not to be connected to anyone. Mmm. Is it in me? Am I too demanding, too responsible? Or are they so irresponsible and I’m the one who takes this world and all the little things in it so seriously?